Cats love me. I’m easy to torment. They love Grandma Oddball too but they don’t torment her. They also love our children but I’m the only one they actively torment and I don’t know why. Take our son for instance. He teases cats unmercifully and they constantly come back for more. No matter how much he abuses them they always come back for more. But me? I try to ignore them but it isn’t possible.

Maybe it’s my allergies that the cats sense or maybe they just sense that I’m an easy target but my torment started early in our married life with my wife’s first cat. The cat was convinced she was a dive bomber and I was her assigned target!

With little money we slept on a mattress on the floor just below a window in our apartment. Grandma Oddball had to be at work early so I was usually asleep in bed alone when she left. This presented a golden opportunity for the cat and she availed herself of the chance, repeatedly. Creeping to the head of the bed the cat would jump up onto the window ledge and wait until I was suitably groggy with sleep. Then launching herself she turned herself into a living bomb that would always land as hard as she could on the bed while just missing me. Quickly scrambling across me and the bed she streaked to the foot of the bed before jumping off and running to hide out of sight while I sputtered ineffectively.

Of course the cat knew what she was doing. She could unerringly leap from the second story of our apartment complex onto her prey with ease. More than one bird and an occasional rodent met their demise in this fashion. So tormenting me in bed without actually landing on me was an easy game for her.

Grandma Oddball was not in the least bit sympathetic. Not even when I explained that the cat would patiently wait until I was nearly asleep again before repeating her attack over and over again. Grandma Oddball’s considered opinion was that the cat was providing an essential service as an alarm clock insuring that I got up and to work on time! She seemed to think that my torment was good for me.

And as if attacking me from the air was not enough, if the air attacks didn’t galvanize me to get up and chase her the cat would sneak into the bedroom and attack my toes! Claws clinging to my feet and teeth biting my toes through the covers she would hang on until the shock wore off and I attempted to catch and throttle her. I never caught her but at this point since I was already up I just quickly showered and went to work. For some reason the cat never tired of this contest (of wills?).

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Tags: Humor

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