Getting Old
November 3rd, 2009 by Grandpa OddballCopyright © GetOddNews and Grandpa Oddball November 3, 2009. All rights reserved.
I’m officially old or so Grandma Oddball tells me. Apparently this also means I lose my sense of humor as well as my youth. This vexes Grandma Oddball no end. She was looking for a 65th birthday card for me and discovered that no one makes humorous birthday cards which includes your age once you reach 65. Clearly we’re all disgruntled sourpusses by then (but then again maybe it’s just the result of a lifetime of experience).
I had an inkling that my life was changing when I came home from my last hospital stay. After losing 20 pounds of fluid in my belly as my ascites was brought under control my skin was a bit wrinkled and flabby around the middle. As the tape holding my dressings in place was being removed I commented morosely that my skin was starting to look like that of an old person.
Fixing me with a steely gaze Grandma Oddball informed me, “That’s because you are old.”
Whoa, what’s next? I’m officially old now and my sense of humor has escaped to parts unknown (hopefully to my children). Apparently you can also lose some common sense and some basic self preservation. While doing my therapy exercises the other day my chest started hurting. I lost over 50 pounds since I’ve been sick, a lot of it in my chest so when I get cold my chest hurts. I happened to mention the pain to Grandma Oddball then added the unfortunate remark.
“You don’t have to worry about the cold because you have more padding than me.”
Even as I was speaking I felt the chill emanating from Grandma Oddball. Hastily I added, “in the chest! Women have more chest padding.”
It didn’t help. The ensuing silence was only broken by that special stare only available to a wife. Discretion dictated retreat.
I’m told old people become increasingly confused and literal as they grow older. That, in fact, may be true. I know my mother drove the appropriate speed for her age. At 65 she drove 65 MPH and at 80 she drove 80 MPH regardless of the conditions. So consistant was she in this persuit that she even impressed our daughter!
“Please dad, don’t let grandma drive me home from school again!”. There something sad about watching someone so young and full of life helpless and prostrate while desperately begging. The groveling brought tears to my eyes.
I suppose that now I’ve also acquired a dour and crabby disposition while suspecting the motives of everyone and everything (ah, the trials of getting old).
Not so! I’m the same old lovable me, easy going and trusting. Kind and forgiving, in short a lovable old man who cares for his family. It’s just that there is this conspiracy against me and I have to take steps. I don’t want them to find me.
Unfortunately I have to stop writing now and go hide. The old people thieves are outside and they’re about to steal something else from me besides humor. I don’t know what but I can feel it.
They’re very clever these thieves. I know they’re out to get me but I’m onto them! Dressed as garbage men they probably thought I wouldn’t notice them.
Ha! So much for paranoia I can see them clearly outside but they won’t get me.
this article with others.
Brother mine – you did put you foot in it, didn’t you??? I’m glad you survived – now let’s hope you short term/long term memory aren’t impaired so you can prevent a re-occurence!